Top 8 Reasons I Don’t Give A S#*t About iPhone 5

Today is the release of the iPhone 5 and i couldn’t care less.  So I’ve decided to use my weekly countdown list to tell you exactly why!  What did you say??  You love your iPhone?  I can’t hear you from this soap box I’m standing on.  So let’s just get to it shall we…


#8.  Samsung Lawsuit-Let’s get this straight.  You’re the world’s wealthiest company and you are suing another phone manufacturer over who owns the rights to the shape of a rectangle with rounded corners?  What’s next?  Are they going to sue Bicycle because of the shape of their playing cards?  Better get Altoids on the phone!  That tin those mints come in looks like it may be infringing on copyright design.  Not to mention how many Blue Bunny ice cream sandwiches have been sold over the years!  Apple could get billions MORE in restitution.  Though, ice cream sandwich just happens to be the name of Android’s latest operating system.  I smell another lawsuit….



#7.  The Letter “I”-I never thought a single letter of the alphabet could annoy me as much as the letter “I”.  Except maybe “Y”.  Are you a consonant?  Are you a vowel?  Pick a side will ya!!  It seems like there needs to be an “I” in front of everything nowadays.  iPod, iPad, iPhone, iDock, iHome, iCan’t stand it anymore!!  Pick a new letter!  Just don’t pick that dastardly “Y”.  I don’t like flip-floppers.



#6.  Maps-I may not do a lot of traveling, but when I do, the first thing I reach for is my smart phone.  Before I walk out the door, I know exactly where I am going and exactly how to get there.  That is unless I had an iPhone 5.  It couldn’t locate a destination properly if it were a 35 acre farm near Dublin called Airfield.  Which it apparently believes is an airport.   Or, just take a look above at the high quality satellite imaging the iPhone 5 delivers.  Thanks, Siri!



#5.  Siri-I am in no way in need of a female voice to naggingly remind me of my upcoming appointments.  Or give me stupid answers to my serious inquiries.  Isn’t that exactly what I do my best to avoid from my wife?  Now they want me to pay $199 for it?  C’mon Apple!  Why don’t I pay you $199 to complain that I don’t ask how your day was often enough?  Or tell me my dirty dishes belong in the dishwasher and not the sink!  It’s my house too, Siri!  I’ll put the dirty dishes wherever I want!!



#4.  Part 5-How many things can you think of that have had five iterations and you still cared?  How about the fifth Star Wars (chronologically of course)?  That sure was a stellar film.  Does anyone even remember what Friday the 13th part FIVE was about?  Don’t leave to go check IMDB.  You don’t remember…or even care.  Don’t pretend you do.  What was the name of Pearl Jam’s fifth album?  Of course you don’t know!  You stopped listening after the first three.  At least stop numbering the darn thing and give it a catchy name so I can be confused as to how many versions there have actually been.



#3.  Windows for Life-I could care less about a new iPhone because I’m one of the possibly three people out there who owns a Windows phone.  You heard me!  A windows phone and I love it!  Most of the time.  Nokia just announced the release of their Lumia 920 and it’s getting rave reviews.  I fully intend to continue my brand loyalty when it is time for my upgrade.  All hail Bill Gates!  The man who could probably spend the Apple CEO’s entire years salary on Mosquito nets for malaria ridden countries in Africa.



#2.  Phones Should Be Good Phones-The iPhone consistently ranks below average in its ability to…well…be a PHONE.  We’re talking about placing actual phone calls here.  I know in this day and age making actual telephone calls is passé.  Yet, I refuse to purchase a device that is not good at what its original intended purpose is to be!  That would be like buying a television because it’s got really good speakers and all the inputs you can wish for, but it just happens to only display VHS quality picture in black and white.



And finally….my number one reason that I don’t give a s#*t about the iPhone 5 is….


Can you feel the anticipation?




#1.  HIPSTERS-This phone might as well come packaged in an ironic t-shit with a pair of skinny jeans, a scarf, and a beard.  When I open the package it should just start playing music from some band that no one has ever heard of and if that band happens to get a song on the radio the phone should immediately erase it from its memory.  It should come with a protective case that makes it look like a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and every request of the maps app should send me directly to Urban Outfitters.  Then again…how is one supposed to show their individuality unless they are supporting the latest product from the world’s wealthiest company?



There you have it!  I’m sure I’ve infuriated a lot of Apple Geniuses out there.  I hope they don’t band together and come after me like a group of condescending technological know-it-alls.  That sure would be a stretch, wouldn’t it??

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One Comment

  1. Hey, this is Stone Gossard of Pearl Jam. I just wanted to point out that our fifth album, “Yield”, was hailed as a success by Rob Sheffield of Rolling Stone Magazine. He said: “before, the band’s best songs were the change-of-pace ballads…Yield marks the first time Pearl Jam have managed to sustain that mood for a whole album.” He added that “Vedder is singing more frankly than ever about his life as an adult,” and that the album “shows that Pearl Jam have made the most out of growing up in public.” On the other hand, Friday the 13th part V really did suck donkey balls.

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