Every year they roll out some new version of some old feature that we loved or liked or didn’t care two ***** about. Sometimes they are decent or even good (3:10 To Yuma, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), and sometimes we’re not even sure why they bothered. The Karate Kid remake wasn’t a bad movie and it was inventive bringing it to China. It didn’t make any sense to do though. Not the storyline, that end of it was fine and close enough with all the little twists and throwbacks to the original. But when I was 8 years old the Karate Kid made me want to learn karate. I Don’t feel like Jackie Chan and Jada Pinkett-Smitt Jr inspired that same feeling in today’s youth. I’m not sure it inspired anything, other than a handful of people who wanted to try and tap into that old nostalgic feeling Ralph Machio and Elizabeth Shoe brought to the screen in ’84. Micheal Bay is reported to have his hands in a Ninja Turtles reboot that I pray to God never sees the light of day. It made me think, what other greats do I hope and Pray never make it out of some producers dreams and into reality.
8. Gremlins- 1984 brought us more than Mr Miyagi and Miyagi-Do Karate. It brought us the Magui or Gremlins. The cute and cuddly litttle little furby like creatures that pack so much more than snuggles inside them. If this movie is ever attempted to be remade I’ll slit my wrist. You can’t do better than perfection.
I guess, maybe… maybe. If the right people got involved (Joss Whedon, J.J. Abrahms) it could be done correctly. No changes to the creatures though. Pheobe Cates has to have a cameo and tell a creepy story about her dad dying in a chimney. Maybe, but probably not.
7. The Goonies- A year after Gremlins we were blessed with the best ensemble cast movie of all time. Sean Astin, Corey Fieldman, Josh Brolin, and Joe Pantoliano make the brat pack look like the “something less catchy sounding and not as cool as the goonies” pack. I’m not even sure why this was a good movie, but even if J.J. Abrahms writes, directs, and recasts every actor with the former cast of LOST it is a bad idea.
6. Stephen King’s IT- Every so often they go back and try to reboot a Stephen King flick and it’s never as good as the original despite how much they try and make it like the book in the second round. For one Stephen King’s IT has unnecessary child sex scenes in it in book form. They made a wise choice in editing that out in the film version (much wiser than the editors of the book). But seriously, IT is a great movie and Tim Curry is one of the best character actors of all time. He can’t be out done. Pennywise the Clown is a classic character now and a re invisioning could not do IT justice. Let us pray it is not.
5. Short Circuit- Johnny 5 isn’t quite the classic character some of the previously named entries embody, but if I had placed it at the number 6 spot I could have kept with my ascending order of release year (1986). Johnny 5 is lovable AI who used to hang out with Steve Guttenburg and the second most racist character ever portrayed. I’m speaking of course of Fisher Steven’s playing the anonymously middle eastern scientist Ben Jabituya. The most racist was Mickey Roonie as Mr. Yunioshi, Holly Golightly’s Asian downstairs neighbor. Long story short, I can see someone trying to do this. Don’t.
4. The Breakfast Club- First off, if you ever attempt to remake one John Hughes movie you have to remake them all. If you are going to try and make a fun remake for today’s youth, showing them that in the right circumstances they could really just be themselves; Maybe the thug could hook up with prep squad girl. If you’re going to try, then you have to take that same prep squad actress and cast her in your Pretty In Pink reboot, and your Sixteen Candles reboot. The world might be ready for a new version of the Breakfast Club, but it’d be risky and you’d run the chance that the Karate Kid ran. You might just make a movie and not much more than that.
3. The Crow- This has been in talks to be remade since 2010. Bradley Cooper, Channing Tatum, Ryan Gosling, and Mark Whalberg have all been talked around playing the lead. Original concept and idea people involved have come and gone and it’s been in legal battles. As of this moment it is still in talks to be made but has not begun production. One idea tossed around is that they drop the Goth and go for more of a found footage style shoot. Oh-Em-Effing-Gee! Please let it be too difficult and legal issues hold it down.
2. Evil Dead- Another possible reboot circulating on the vine right now. Sam Reimi, Bruce Campbell, and Rob Tapert have been approached to produce a reboot of the series. A version of the story that doesn’t contains Campbell’s character Ash. If you ask me, Ash is what made it an Evil Dead movie. Otherwise what was the story. A cabin in the woods, and a medieval monster/zombie comedy. You might be able to redo that three stooges style humor meets horror that was unique to the Dead series, but it was about Ash. Please stop this project before you abort it any further.
1. E.T. the Extra Terrestrial- Steven Spielberg’s classic alien meets boy masterpiece isn’t in production anywhere as far as I know. With the resurgence of remakes though it can only be a few months before someone thinks they can do it as well. I was never the biggest E.T. fan but I recognize the scope and epicness of E.T. It probably shaped Spielberg’s entire career. Maybe even put him on the map (he had so many hits all around the same time it’s hard to say which one really made him). But one thing is for sure, AMBLIN entertainment would not be the company it is today with out E.T. and I just can’t imagine someone making a tolerable version. The old one is still watchable.
I will go on record though saying I am completely OK with them remaking the Atari 2600 version of the movie.
There it is. A list. There are probably a dozen others that belong on here. Some movies that may be remade that should have never been made to begin with (Howard the Duck?). The only certain thing is that each year they will tear through the film vault and rape your fond childhood memories while they try and show you “… but look at what we can do now!” well it certainly isn’t write an original script because they’ve been scraping the barrel for ten years now. Let’s take a break from remakes. At least for a few years.
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