IPhone 5 Early Hands On Review.

I recently got the scoop of a lifetime while visiting a bar in L.A. A friendly man decided to make small talk with me, we were on the subject of running a site dedicated to geeks when he told me that he could let me review the Iphone 5 before it’s release date.

First off the form is great, a new unobtainium screen allows for a sharper than LED look while also having a clear look that makes the phone look like something from Star Trek more than a phone. As you can see from the pics the screen size is slightly larger than past Iphones and actually goes to the very edge, no more letter box on my Youtube videos.


The phone itself boasts a battery about the size of an average watch battery, but due to it being made of the new and still being tested Energon, it has a whopping forty-eight hour battery life. Around the frame is a small band of adamantium which allows for a near indestructible screen, I was promised no more spider webbing with this. The phone is fast too, 6 mini processors and a strong motivator allow for the phone to break down data parsects faster than any other phone.


I was also impressed with the reception, a carbonite antennae made for superior connection speeds and access to data faster than 4G LTE XLT. I wasn’t sure if I would like the IPhone 5 since I never really cared for the previous models, but Siri’s upgrade using Skynet technology was amazing, she could identify me from sight, sound, and even smell. The upgraded A.I of Siri also led to some interesting developmental, I asked Siri the meaning of life, and while she said she could answer it now, computing it would lead to a greater answer, We will hear back from her in a few thousand years.

So, the new IOS, which claims to be superior to the Android OS has a new feature which allows you to visit the Google Play store, find an app and convert it to IOS, the Android copy system is calling itself Replicant at this point, but who knows how long that will last. The new camera has an amazing lens that captures pictures in 1.21 Jigapixels. Very impressive.


As of this review there were only sixteen made Three were given to the IPhone developers, wisest and fairest of all beings, seven, to the testing department, great writers and craftsmen of the lower halls, and nine, nine were gifted to the marketing team, who above all else desire power. For within every IPhone 5 was bound the strength and will to govern over there teams, but they were all deceived. For another IPhone 5 was made, in the land on L.A. in the office of Bill Gates, the Dark Lord Gates forged one in secret, a master IPhone 5, to control all others. Into this IPhone 5 Gates poured all of his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate the Apple team. One IPhone 5 to rule them all.


Not Really. April Fools!


About Brandon C. Williams

I'm one of the main contributors to 8 DAG and I take pride in my other job as Public/Staff relations. I'm a comics and movie junkie and I love to podcast. Follow me on Twitter @BrandoCop
Bookmark the permalink.


  1. It would have been a great prank, had it been an actual fake review. 😉

    Happy April Fool’s. 🙂

  2. I am glad to read your article.Here everywhere I remember your site’s style is so great, very good at writing too real life of theoretical good!I only realized why Iphone 5 is really Apple’s Pride! Thank you very much!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.