Top 8 Ways Disney Can Ruin the Star Wars Franchise

This week Disney announced that they have purchased Lucasfilm for $4.05 billion.  This has sent shivers down the spines of many a geek in the world.  Terrified nerds everywhere are lining up to protest any and all changes made to the Star Wars franchise by the house that Mickey built.  No one seems to care that they could just as easily make a mockery of the beloved Indiana Jones series.  Then again, I think the last movie did a pretty good job of that all on its own.  With that said, I have decided this week’s list will be dedicated to the top eight ways Disney could ruin the Star Wars franchise.  Let’s get straight to it…

 

 

 

 

#8. The Disney Vault- The Disney corporation has a long-standing policy (so far reserved for its animated motion pictures) of releasing their films for purchase for a limited time and then removing them from the market.  This supposedly allows the films to “stay fresh” for the next generation.  In reality, it makes the seemingly innocuous DVD or Blu-rays collectibles that are sold at higher than retail prices at stores, conventions, and auction sites like Ebay.  I’m a fan of collectibles as much as the next guy, but do the physical movies themselves need to be on that list?  Disney could toss the original three Star Wars films (the only three anyone really cares about anyway) into the vault and then where would we be?  We’d be stuck with the ten thousand re-releases Lucas put out over the years involving edits such as Greedo shooting first, and Darth Vader screaming, “Nooooooo!” as he kills off the Emperor.  I suggest locking away Episode One in the vault.  Then lining the door with explosives and blasting that crap out of existence.

 

 

 

 

#7. “Euro” Star Wars- Seeing as that Disney turns everything they own into theme park attractions, why not Star Wars as well?  We all know how well the Disneyland in France started off.  Let’s outsource our most beloved science fiction franchise to them as well.  I’m picturing Luke and Vader fighting with baguettes instead of lightsabers.  Princess Leia forgoing her bun hairdo for a nice beret.  Furthermore, maybe Chewbacca is actually a French woman.  She just didn’t shave her arm pits for a VERY long time.

 

 

 

 

#6. Musical Numbers- I can picture it now…a meeting of Disney executives seated around a table.  Flanked by the movie posters of their animated success stories.  When someone asks, “Do you know what Star Wars needs?  Musical numbers!”  Instead of the traditional rolling text Disney could begin each movie with Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.  Han could dance and sing Kiss the Girl when he finally lays one on Princess Leia.  When Alderaan is blown to smithereens, Vader could sing a remix of A Whole New World, entitled A Blown Up World.  Better yet, when Luke is born to Anakin and Padme, the emperor could lift him above his head and sing The Circle of Life as Storm Troopers get down on one knee in acknowledgment.

 

 

 

 

#5. Michael Bay- He began his career as an intern for George Lucas.  Giving us one more item to add to the list of ways Lucas has raped us over the years.  What if Disney turned to that former colleague to direct these upcoming features?  Star Wars could star Shia Labeouf as Luke Skywalker!  He could integrate many of his “signature” camera shots of the heroes staring longingly off in the distance as the camera rotates around them.  If you are not familiar with this garbage you can view it here.  Plus, we could finally get a Star Wars that had no complex or coherent story line, only massive explosions, twitchy camera work where nothing is in frame (or focus) long enough to be distinguished, and feels as if it were directed by an adolescent teen with untreated ADHD.

 

 

 

 

#4. John Carter- At least Michael Bay’s movies make money!  Albeit undeservedly so.  What if Disney turned to their inner circle for a team to create the new films?  What if that team was in need of redemption for creating the single largest flop in movie history?  That’s where the team from Disney’s John Carter comes in.  Andrew Stanton, Mark Andrews, and Michael Chabon could take an already suffering film franchise and truly destroy it.  They could spend hundreds of millions of dollars to hire awful no-named actors, shorten the title of an established work in a vain attempt to appeal to women, or best of all…refuse to bring the movie to comic-con where geeks of all ages could get behind it and drive the marketing campaign.  All of these mistakes were made by this crew on their last film and wouldn’t it be awesome if they did it again?

 

 

 

 

#3. Jar Jar Binks- It has been rumored that Disney plans on spinning off the Star Wars franchise in the style that was successful with The Avengers.  They would give supporting characters their own movies to elaborate on their back story and maximize profits when everyone is reunited in a single film. Who better to destroy the Star Wars legacy than the character that practically did it already, Jar Jar Binks?  Star Wars Origins: Jar Jar Binks sounds like something I can see on a movie poster already!  We could follow Jar Jar on another of his adventures; where this time maybe he DOESN’T single handedly give the emperor the power to destroy the universe.  Maybe he could even prove to be more useful than he was in Phantom Menace.  This was to say, he was about as useful as a box of Trojans at Comic Con.  Meesa thinks’um this movie would sucky big time.

 

 

 

 

#2. Disney Character Integration- Every geek’s knee-jerk reaction to the news this week has been to hypothesize the integration of Disney characters into the Star Wars universe.  What a great way to ruin the franchise!  We could see scenes of Darth Vader getting kicked in the balls by Roger Rabbit as he comically bounces around the room, Twi’lek princesses, even three Death Stars that oddly resemble Mickey Mouse’s head.  Han’s co-pilot could be that annoying parrot from Aladdin.  Forget Boba Fett…Buzz Lightyear would make a great bounty hunter!  Best of all, replace the Ewoks with an entire flock of those super racist crows from Dumbo!  The opportunities here are endless!  If you’ve come up with other amusing possibilities write ‘em up in the comments section below.

 

 

 

Finally, the single biggest thing Disney could do to ruin the Star Wars franchise.  Something so terrible that geeks everywhere will flood their keyboards with tears as they read this….

 

 

 

 

 

#1. Leave George Lucas in Charge- It all began years ago when Lucas decided that the lucrative toy business was more important than telling a good story.  This is one of the reasons the Ewoks were introduced and the original trilogy ended with what I read somewhere referred to as a “teddy bear luau”.  Most geeks can get behind toys, though.  Just don’t take them out of their original packaging!!  Then we were treated to Lucas’ worst affront to the fans in years….the prequels.  We were served up three awful movies containing the most monotonous story ever put on screen.  Who cares about trade embargos and political intrigue?  This is Star Wars for God’s sake!  Whether it was terrible characters (Jar Jar), digital Yoda, or the wonderful idea to scientifically explain the force as Midichlorians in the blood, Lucas set forth on a path of destruction that ran rampant through the Star Wars universe.  He prostituted Star Wars out in every imaginable direction.  Going so far as to allow Star Wars Kinect to include a Han Solo dance party in its video game!  Let’s also not forget that Lucas is also just a terrible director.  Save for the original Star Wars…and maybe American Graffiti, Lucas directs garbage.  If he truly believes that the universe can live on, do you really want him writing/directing them like he did the prequels?  I’d rather put my faith in an unknown to do a better job.  Better yet…give it to Joss Whedon.  He’s already made The Avengers successful despite its connection to Disney and we all know that Firefly was quite possibly one of the best science fiction programs ever made.  He could single handedly give us back the Star Wars that we all grew up loving.  As long as George Lucas is only involved in writing the story (NOT the screenplay…his dialogue is awful as well) or better yet as a mere consultant, I think the franchise still has hope.  Better yet…a new hope.

 

 

 

That’s it folks!  My top eight ways Disney could ruin the Star Wars franchise.  Do you have any better mistakes they could make?  You can let us know in the comments section below, email me at SeanScott@8daysageek.com, or hit me up on Twitter @SeanMLScott.  Until next week, allons-y!

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One Comment

  1. I like Ewoks

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