Top 8 Team-ups You’ll (probably) Never See

Dr. Strange / Dr. Who

What’s better than a snarky doctor who deals in weirdness? Two snarky doctors who spend their time delving into the weirdest of the weird.

These two wouldn’t be restricted to any time, place, or dimension. It’s a sci-fi writer’s dream come true. Ever wonder what would happen if Churchill traveled to the 32nd Century to fight magical HyperNeon Neo-Nazis? You’ve got the two guys that could make that happen. Factor in the possibilities of Time Lords, underworld gods and demons, and a two scoops of snarky self-assuredness, and you’ve got transmuted occult gold.

 

Alex Delarge / The Joker

Who hasn’t wondered if the world could really burn?

Okay, maybe not everyone, but there’s no doubt these two have posited that notion on more than one occasion. Imagine the psychiatric ward that would breed this duo. It’s a future Arkham, and the one man who could match the sadistic nature of the Joker gets wheeled in like Hannibal Lector. The breakout would likely involve dead guards and cops, fire, and screaming that would wake the dead (and the heavily sedated). The only motivations are chaos and self pleasure. The only way they relent is through death. With the city on fire and two of the grandest lunatics in the world free, the Earth doesn’t stand a chance

Ripley / Abigail Brand

Alien warlords threatening the peace of the planet? Parasitic nightmares giving you stomach cramps? There’s really only two solutions.

These women are the final barriers for any alien race to overcome, and the invaders had better bring their A-game. Ripley generally goes at it alone (though usually not by choice), and Abigail Brand has the resources on par with SHIELD. Put the ultimate alien-killing loner together with the leader of an alien peace-keeping task force, and you’ve got the perfect team-up. Plenty of tension, quipping, and what could possibly top the image of two powerful women ripping a bloody, Krylon-colored hole through an invading alien army?

Afro Samurai / Usagi Yojimbo

I cut myself just typing that header.

God help the person who draws the ire of these two samurai. Both lacking a master (Usagi is a ronin, Afro is…sort of a ronin), they wander the Earth looking for headbands and justice. It’s a pretty simple set up, a gang of miscreants might have taken over a small village on a secluded hill, and in wander two loners. They sit at the local tavern and order drinks, when a ruckus develops behind them. There are some threats made to the two silent ronin, who simply respond with a quick flash, and severed limbs start to roll. From there, it’s a bloody race to the finish, as the two solemn warrior slice and dice their way to the top man. God help that poor soul….

HAL 9000 / Marvin the Paranoid Android

What do you get when you cross the ultimate in depression technology with the height of eager-to-learn AI sophistication?

Teaming these two would be the worst possible scenario for us fleshy pink terrans, but comedy gold for anyone watching. If a newly minted space station were to find a capsule jettisoned from the far reaches of space, and in it were the paranoid android, what choice would the crew have but to bring it aboard? It wouldn’t take long for the two AI powerhouses to decide their human counterparts were superfluous. The dry, sardonic dialogue would be the best of British wit, and equally as terrifying to us humans. The extinction of the human race aside, this would be comedy gold.

Lando Calrissian / Rick Deckard

No tag line necessary. You should be drooling.

This one almost seemed too obvious, but who wouldn’t love to see a young Lando involved in a cop story with a (young?) Rick Deckard? This one might take a bit of logic to work around, seeing as how he looks exactly like a certain Nerf herder he meets later in life, but ignoring that, this would be a team-up for the ages. Imagine a crowded, dense city on some planet in the far reaches of the galaxy, and a young Lando is making a name for himself in some semi-legal scheme involving highly advanced androids. Enter Rick Deckard, Blade Runner. Seeing a cop team up with a questionable character isn’t exactly novel, but making them hunt androids together in a technopunk future would certainly add a nice level of intrigue. Also, Billy Dee Williams and Harrison Ford…what else do you need in a movie?

Punisher / Jayne Cobb

Guns. Guns. Guns.

Haven’t you always wondered what a wall of bullets might look like? This would be your most likely chance to see such a phenomenon. Admittedly, it would be difficult to rectify the two worlds from which they come, but the world of Firefly would only be livened by the presence of Frank Castle. He’s been in weirder places, no doubt, but he’d find the violence intimately familiar. It would be fun to see more of Jayne’s checkered past, and were he forced to team up with a carnage fueled anti-hero, who better than Frank? We all know Jayne had (and still has) some not-so-nice guy tendencies, so you’ve got the tension when Frank finally has enough. You’ve got the humor of seeing Jayne’s lax attitude towards war butt up against Frank’s no-nonsense approach towards the mission and nothing else. There would be respect from each party, both would see the lethality of the other and find a common bond, but there’s little doubt this could end without a few bullet wounds in everyone involved.

Chairface Chippendale / Newman Xeno

Lo, and the villainy did run rampant….

This one is mostly for my own amusement, but stick with me on this. We all remember the Tick cartoon, and at least some of us have read the excellent Casanova. If you’ve not done either of these things, you’re missing out on something special. Those who are lucky enough to come across these two slices of fiction already know how diabolical this could be. Giant lasers? Italian suits? Homicidal urges on a grandiose scale? All check. If these two combined forces, they would conquer not only the moon, but the entire multiverse. Not only would they be assured complete dominion, but they would do it with total class. It would be almost a given that they’d turn on each other in the end, but not before they bend the will of all reality to their whim. Also, Chairface could write his name on any planet he wanted. And finish.

 

-Ross Lickteig

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