Fans of chicken around the world hang their heads and their hearts a little lower today, as chicken conglomerate Chick-Fil-A pulls all reportedly homosexual chickens from their shelves and their ovens. The chicken super-mogul-franchise-conglomerate has long since had a stern stance against the enjoyment of their products by homosexuals. “I believe the proper consumption of a chicken is between a man-who-loves-women or a woman-who-loves-men… and a fried chicken,” a spokesperson for Chick-Fil-A said at a press event last Tuesday. Today a movement by supporters of Chick-Fil-A fell into action, prompting an unsupported “Int’nl eat Chick-Fil-A day” to show your support of the homosexual-frowning-upon restaurant. While Chick-Fil-A has said they did not prompt this movement and are offering no support for this “grass roots” movement, they will be taking extra effort to insure that none of the chickens who are gay “by nature or by choice” will make it to the fryers.
Jim Henson’s Muppets have been in the news lately, along side Mr. Fil-A, over their controversial decision to pull all Henson products from the restaurant chain in reaction to the comments Mr. Fil-A made at a recent press conference. Ms. Piggy herself has said that, though she doesn’t fully condone the consumption of her kind, in this case and this time she might recommend people “eat more pig”. Chick-Fil-A responded by saying their chicken sandwiches can be consumed with bacon, and even though God didn’t intend for us to consume pig (Leviticus 11:7) because pigs have cloven hooves but don’t chew cud, “…we will make an exception on this rule”.
Chad Chadsworth, founding member of the gay sketch comedy group Chic-Feel-Gay has said that he would not be changing the name of his sketch comedy group despite all the recent controversy. He has joined in boycotting the franchise along with two of his other three gays in the comedy troupe. “It won’t effect us, as we find eating chicken to be tacky and passe…” Mr. Chadsworth said when asked about the boycott. The fourth gay member in the troupe detests other fried chicken restaurants and lives too close to the mall to take it out of his diet. “Passe smashay, I love waffle fries,” said Kenny Glasscock, the fourth member of Chic-Feel-Gay.
One thing is positive. This issue is not going to die out anytime soon. With Chick-Fil-A voicing their dislike of the quote-unquote gay agenda, and the Democratic party officially adopting equality for all sexual orientations as part of their core beliefs, we can expect to see rainbow fueled fire for a while longer. Why Chick-Fil-A decided to pull homosexual chickens from their menu may baffle us, and we may not agree with it, but it is within their rights. And if we don’t like it we certainly don’t have to partake in it (even though their chickens, especially the gay ones, are so tasty. Though over priced and distributed in minute proportions). How they sort out which chickens are gay and which ones aren’t may be beyond knowing (I imagine they put them in cages together and wait to see which ones act on their feathery passion). Maybe they’re just pulling out the ones that look gay or the ones that taste gay (I hope not). Be assured, we will continue to monitor this story as it grows.
It’s like the Col. himself said in a letter to congress back in 1875, “…the road ahead of us is a long one, and paved in the blood covered feathers of the poultry that fuels this great nation. Let us not look back, but forward. Past the fryers of injustice, and beyond the heat lamps of inequality. Because only together, with some secret spices and a fistful of hopes, can we hope to prevail.” – Col. H. W. Sanders 1875. Truer words from a truer man may have never been spoken. Only the future will tell if we as a chicken loving people listen.
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