8 Worst Superhero Movies

#8. X-Men Last Stand- Boy was this movie a disappointment after the first two films.  The script is crap.  The director is horrible.  Some of the characters (Juggernaut) have costumes that look absolutely ridiculous.  They attempt to cram so many different storylines into one movie that they fail miserably with ALL of them.  The character of Phoenix is so misrepresented it’s an insult to anyone who is familiar with the comic books.  Cyclops, an integral character-especially in the Phoenix storyline, get’s killed off like a b!tch in the first twenty minutes of the film.  The list of atrocities committed by this film is so long it’s not even worth noting any more of them.  Yet somehow it only manages to come in at number eight on my list.  What does that say about how bad the NEXT seven movies on this list are?

#7. Superman Returns- This is the aforementioned movie that Brian Singer decided to take a giant steaming dump on.  Let’s begin with the fact that Clark and Superman have both been gone for five years and not a single person gets suspicious when they reappear on the same day.  Apparently Superman became a giant douche when he was away because he immediately attempts to reestablish his relationship with Lois, who he is well aware, is with another man at the time.  Stay classy Superman.  Let’s next look at a major science flaw in the film.  If you’ve read my previous list of flawed science fiction films, you’ll know that this annoys me quite a bit.  Superman is shown floating motionless in space, yet his cape is flapping.  In what wind, Mr. Singer?  If that isn’t bad enough he’s LISTENING to the sounds of people on Earth.  How?  There are no sounds in space.  Even if you have superhuman hearing.  Read a book, Singer.  And whose idea was it for Superman to lift an entire island made out of his one and only weakness into outer space?  That person should have been fired.  This movie was excruciatingly long and painful to watch.  I truly hope that the new Man of Steel finally does justice to a classic superhero.

#6. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer- The first movie in this series wasn’t very good and the sequel was no better.  I’m putting the sequel on the list, however, because of the complete injustice it did to the Silver Surfer and Galactus.  Silver Surfer is a fantastic character.  He is forced to be the herald of the planet-eating Galactus and deserves far more respect than what was offered in this film.  He basically just cruises around on his surfboard before getting his @ss kicked and giving up.  Galactus is portrayed as a giant cloud of some kind.  Really?  A giant cloud??  Give me a break.  Then the all powerful Galactus is basically destroyed by cramming a surfboard up his bum.  And could someone please tell me why Doctor Doom is even in this film?  His presence was completely pointless and just led to even more confusion in an already muddled film.

#5. Hulk- Most superhero films-even the bad ones-do their best to get the origin story correct.  Ang lee decided to toss that straight out the window.  Forget the classic missile test.  Oh no.  Bruce’s father crammed him full of crazy monkey-lizard DNA!  Yeah that’s the ticket!  THEN we’ll blast him with radiation while some guy stands right behind him unaffected.  Brilliant!  Let’s also discuss how big the Hulk is supposed to be.  I bet we could come to a consensus.  Apparently the makers of this film could not!  So they just decided to have him change size in almost every scene.  Is he seven feet tall?  Or is he twenty?  Can he fight dogs?  Or is he larger than a tank?  Buy a ruler, Ang!  The story is exceptionally slow.  Both banner characters, Eric Bana and Nick Nolte, are absolutely terrible.  All in all you’d think that superhero films couldn’t get much worse than this pile of garbage…but alas, they can.  Keep reading.

#4. Elektra- This is basically just one big stupid episode of Alias.  Except Alias wasn’t bad.  This film is worse than bad.  It’s also just so boooooring.  There is basically NOTHING right or good about this film.  The story, script, action scenes, acting, EVERYTHING are just plain bad.  Garner is horrible.  She should never have been cast in this role.  And if you were going to watch it just to see a hot chick in her sexy superhero outfit-too darn bad!  She puts it on like twice in the entire film!  If you can find anything redeeming at all in this film you must be a saint!  Or…just have really bad taste in films.

#3. Spiderman 3- Allow me to begin with the fact that Tobey Maguire is one of the worst actors on the face of the planet and Kirsten Dunst is as attractive as a corn-ridden foot.  However, that didn’t stop Sam rami from making the first two films decent movies.  Something must have happened to Rami in the production of this one, though. Because it goes completely off the rails.  It’s unbearably long.  Rami tries to cram FAR too much into that lengthy span.  Villains like Sandman and Venom are not given their due.  Sandman could be a fantastic villain but basically disappears for half the movie until Spidey just up and forgives him and lets him leave unharmed.  Venom/Eddie Brock is played by Topher Grace.  Enough said right there.  Also, whose idea was it to have Mary Jane sing…multiple times??  Was it also the same person who decided that Spiderman didn’t need to wear his mask half the time?  Or that a brilliant idea would be to have Spiderman do a freaking dance number in the middle of the streets?   C’mon, people!!  Were they TRYING to make the most ridiculous Spiderman film to date?  If so, then it was accomplished!

#2. Batman and Robin- After what Joel Schumacher did to the Batman films, he shouldn’t be allowed behind a camera ever again.  Although, the terribleness of this film began far before Schumacher ever smeared his own brand of brightly colored feces all over it.  The casting is ATROCIOUS!  Every single character is mis-cast.  Clooney as Batman is a joke.  O’Donnell couldn’t be a worse Robin.  Uma Thurman (who we KNOW is a good actress) must have drank the Kool-aid Schumacher was passing out because somehow even she manages to give a cringe-worthy performance as Poison Ivy.  Silverstone doesn’t even come close to the tough-girl image that Batgirl should be portrayed as.  This might as well have been Clueless 2 for the way she portrays the character.  Finally, Mr. Freeze played by Arnold Schwarzenegger reduces a complex, sociopathic villain down to cliché catchphrases and terrible one-liners.  Let’s not forget the complete and utter bastardization of the character of Bane.  Every aspect of this film is an affront to anyone who appreciates movies, comic books, Batman, and even simple dialogue.

#1. Catwoman– The only thing you can say about this heaping pile of garbage is at least it wasn’t really long.  The story is absolutely terrible.  A face cream that deteriorates women’s faces if they stop using it.  Really?  Worse things happen in the real corporate world on a daily basis and THIS is what gets Patience Phillips killed and turned to Catwoman?  Next…who the hell is Patience Phillips?  Catwoman’s name is Selina Kyle!  They didn’t even name the character after the original?  Oh dear.  Now, Halle Berry is one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood and seeing her in a skin-tight pleather suit was probably very high on my geek fantasy bucket list.  However, even a gorgeous woman in a sexy costume cannot even begin to save this movie!  CGI is added to basically every scene.  Whether it is needed or not.  Every single line of dialogue is as bad or worse than the cheesiest line Schwarzenegger utters in Batman and Robin.  The fight scenes look to be choreographed by someone who would be better off working on High School Musical.  And, If you thought Spiderman dancing in the streets was bad you obviously haven’t seen Halle Berry play basketball in high heels and beat Benjamin Bratt.  There is not a single redeeming aspect of this movie.  It is arguably the worst movie ever made and it cost $100,000,000 to produce.  Every person who wasted their money going to see this film should be reimbursed double for the pain and anguish of having actually watched it.